a journal entry from may
For the past 3 years, I’ve written in my journal quite regularly but I didn’t start going back and revisiting entries until recently.
It wasn’t something I even thought to do until my friend Lori mentioned to me that sometimes she’d read her journals and look for patterns in things she wrote about. At the time, I found this super interesting but initially only put it to practice once or twice. Lately, I’ve found myself flipping through my notebooks more frequently and I’ve been surprisingly delighted by old versions of myself.
I smile a little inside at myself agonizing over situations that have since passed. I smile a lot at good days spent with my friends.
Sometimes I’ll come across an entry that stops me in my tracks. It’s the kind that checks the boxes of 1. being something I totally forgot I ever wrote and 2. being an idea that was still unconsciously floats in my heart. The following was one of those entries:
May 25, 2023
Life is strange. There are moments that happen and we’re convinced that it is something so life altering there is no way for us to forget it.
At age 5, it’s your dad playfully eating the sprinkles off your ice cream and you in a puddle of tears because you said no!
At age 10, it’s being terrified at the idea of joining a sports league because… well you’ve never actually played organized basketball before.
At age 18, it’s getting rejected from your first choice college… (temporarily)
I guess these were impactful enough that I still remember them all. But my point is… they seemed so large. So important at the time. Like overcoming it would be impossible.
Then there are moments when you make split second decisions, totally unconscious of its life altering potential. Like accepting a job across the country after college, or deciding to get a tattoo from an old friend.
These moments are flashes in the pan. They happen so quickly and their effects don’t really register until you look back at how much you’ve changed since that point.
There is something to be said about keeping that kid at the heart of your being. The one who would make videos with her friends after school. The one who made custom cards and gifts for Christmas presents. Because life can get rocky and it can shake your innocence away until you’re just a shell of that pure hearted kid who’d bring a ball to school everyday.
Stumbling on this made me glad that I decided to start journaling again in college after years of abandonment. I think the reason why it struck me is because it reminded me of how our lives are just moments. Some that seem too large to overcome but we survive, some that seem insignificant but end up cascading into something beautiful. Ultimately, just moments that carve us into who we are becoming.
